for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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