I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
