A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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