I want to have your abortion
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
