I'm passing your future prison.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
