So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
