omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
