i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
