I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
3pm strippers are depressing
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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