I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i've created a new STD.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
