my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
