so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
