thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
