I accidentally had phone sex last night
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
