I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
