Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My cat gives me a boner
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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