You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
