Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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