I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I hate all girls vehemently.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
