yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
