you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just had sex on a roof
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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