sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
