Ambien. No doubt about it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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