I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
