I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
