So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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