I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
