I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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