one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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