the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
