I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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