I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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