It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
