I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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