I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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