She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
