I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
