He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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