No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
