you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
