last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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