i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
