he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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