Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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