you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
