There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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