No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
