There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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