he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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