hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
