we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's official drugs can't kill me
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
