1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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