Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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