I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
