Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
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