Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
