dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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