It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
