Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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