I can tuck mytits in my pants
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
